


To Love when You've Lost

by neogothica



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canon Rewrite, Domestic, Established Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Mild Smut, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-02-07 03:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18612523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neogothica/pseuds/neogothica
Summary: They fought their hardest and still lost. Tony warned them and they didn't listen. Now, they're paying for it, Steve especially.





	To Love when You've Lost

“I’m picking up something in one of the neighboring galaxies.” Carol says and steps over to one of the large display screens stationed in the middle of the room. She taps on her forearm, inputs a few codes and lifts her head to the flickering screen;

 _“This thing on?”_ Tony lights up and taps a few times back at them; gaunt and hunched over, his thin body barely filling out the black tank top he left the planet in over three weeks ago. _“Hey Mr. Rogers. Today this one is for you.”_ He pauses for a moment before leaning back and sighing. _“If you find this recording, like each message I’ve left for everyone else, don’t post it.. on social media, it’s gonna be a real tearjerker. I dunno if you’re ever gonna see this. I don’t even know if you’re still..”_

Steve’s brought into the room, Natasha’s smaller hand lingering around his bicep before retreating to cross over her chest. Her eyebrows knit together as she watches the projection sigh and continue.

_“Oh god, I hope so.. Today’s day twenty-one? No, uh, twenty-two. You know if it wasn’t for the existential terror of staring into the literal void of space, I’d say I’m feeling a little better today. The infection’s run its course thanks to the blue meanie back there. Oh, you’d love her. Very practical.. only a tiny bit sadistic.”_

“He’s alive.” Natasha says and the words nearly knock Steve off his feet.

He collapses into the nearest chair, eyes glued to Tony’s holo-message before him. “How old is this footage?” But his eyes don’t look for Carol’s answer. “He said there were other messages. Why are we only seeing these now?”

“Steve.” Natasha’s hands move to squeeze his arm again. She opens her mouth to say something, to calm him down, but Tony cuts her off.

 _“Some of the fuel cells were cracked during battle and we figured out a way to reverse the iron charge and bought ourselves about forty-eight hours of flight time. But it’s now dead in the water; thousand lightyears from the nearest seven-eleven.”_ He pauses, fingers drumming along his thigh as he lets out another, tired sigh. _“Oxygen will run out tomorrow morning and that’ll be it.”_

“I’ve got his coordinates.” Carol says, lowering her hand to her side before turning on her heels to head outside. “Gonna use the field out front as a makeshift landing zone. Make sure it’s clear for reentry.”

Steve nods absently, eyes beginning to well up while staring back at Tony. He swallows dry and nods again, this time to reassure himself.

_“Please know, when I drift off it’s gonna be like everything lately. I’m fine. Totally fine. I’m gonna dream about you.. ‘Cause it’s always been you.”_

“Rogers.” Carol calls just as the projections dissipates into pixels, leaving behind a quiet room. Steve’s eyes don’t move at first until shes saying his name again. He looks at her. “You might want to freshen up.” And she motions toward his beard with a shrug and smile. “Just a suggestion.”

“Thank you, Ms. Danvers.” He says but she lifts a hand to brush it off with an air of casualty.

“Just Danvers is fine, or Captain if you really wanna go for the formal thing. Now if you’re done crying, Steve..” She tilts her chin away from him and points a thumb out the door.  
  
“Right—right.” The small chuckle out of him is enough to keep his emotions from spilling over. “Good luck out there.”

“Don’t need it but thanks anyway.”

 

–  ★ –

 

“It’s only been two weeks and I already feel like I’m gonna be out of a best friend.” Natasha’s voice cuts through the sound of Steve’s running water and he looks up, jaw covered in pine scented white foam. “She’s right about the beard, though. It’s about time you got rid of that thing.”

“You don’t like my beard?” Steve asks, voice both tired and dry. He tilts his chin in the mirror to begin shaving. Natasha had been complaining about the beard the minute she noticed it bristling along his face. “Or do you not like Danvers?”

“The beard. Definitely have beef with the beard. Captain Marvel, not so much.” She smiles, “We’re probably going to be able to get a lot more done around here if she decides to stick around.”

“After what happened in Wakanda, I think it’s safe to say Tony was right. So we’re going to need all the help we can get.” His jaw tenses as if the words are the ones to linger in front of him and fog up the glass. He shakes his head, lowering the razor for a moment to rinse and repeat. “And when it comes to our neighbors upstairs, we’re severely outnumbered, out ranked, and definitely outmatched. We should have heeded the warning, Nat. I don’t know why we didn’t.”

“Steve, don’t blame yourself for what’s happened. There’s no way we could’ve-” But her words die before she can bring herself to tell another lie. They both knew better.

“He warned us, and we didn’t listen. We could’ve had years to plan and prepare for this and we didn’t listen.”

“Steve.” She waits for blue eyes to find her in the reflection before she pushes off the doorway she had been leaning on. There isn’t a sound as she steps into the bathroom and reaches a hand out to rest on his shoulder. “We can’t change the past. We screwed up in not listening to Tony, but we can’t go back and fix it so we’ve gotta make do with what we have.” She waits a moment for him to speak and squeezes his shoulder when he remains silent. Rinsing, repeating. “Carol’s gonna bring Tony back in one piece, I have a good feeling about that. When he’s back here on earth, we can poke around his brain for a solution.”

“Nat.” Steve begins to say, but his voice decides to betray him when she rests her head against his bicep; too short to reach his shoulder.

“Assuming you don’t fuck him stupid.” And she laughs. “You should probably hold off on doing that, we kinda need him right now.”

“Alright, Ms. Romanoff.” Steve snorts and leans forward to finish up the rest of his face and dab off with a towel. “Don’t get too far ahead, I haven’t seen him in several months. You know how long that translates in Tony time.”

She opens her mouth the speak but stops and furrows her eyebrows. “Do you feel that?”

Steve looks up, eyebrow skyward for a second until he notices the angle mirror begins to shake. “Yeah..” His hand reaches up for the mirror, eyebrows knitting together for a moment before his eyes widen and he’s near bounding out of the room and into the hallway to get outside.

He’s not sure if the others are following behind or not and, in all honesty, he didn’t seem to care. He watches as what seemed like a spaceship is gently guided- no, _carried_ over to them and set on the open field just as promised. Carol turns to face them with a look Steve decides not to read too much into.

The back of the ship opens with a hiss, the stairway extending to the grass, and Steve finds his body moving on its own as he rushes toward it. Tony emerges from the smoke and lighting, clinging to a blue woman with the little strength he had left. He notices Steve’s the first to them and lets go.

For once, catching Tony just before he near falls off the platform felt like the right thing to do. Steve finds his arms circling around his familiar- yet fragile frame; holding him safe and secure against his chest as he buries his face into the crook of his neck. He breathes a sigh of relief and takes him in. Tony smells terrible, awful even but to him, none of that matters.

“I-“And the word dies just as it’s born in the middle of Tony’s throat and yanks Steve back to reality. He trembles in the soldier’s arms and uses what little strength he has left to pull away. Steve’s reluctant, but he loosens his grip and his baby blues search under furrowed eyebrows for what feels like an eternity. “I lost the kid.”

Steve’s face wrinkles into an expression Tony’s not sure he’s seen before. Maybe in the beginnings of the time he mentioned Wanda’s stay at the compound. God that felt so insignificant now.

“Tony,” he barely manages to say, his own arms pulling back to allow his hands to squeeze around much too skinny arms. “Tony, we lost.” And his eyes go searching again, making sure the words register in his mind. The harsh reality for both.

The look does not last, however, because Steve’s hands slide back around his frame, one raking though his dirty chestnut hair and pulls him back against himself. They stay like that for a while, everyone allowing them the time they needed before Steve all but scoops Tony into his arms and carries him bridal style into the compound.

 

–  ★ –

 

He’s hesitant to even bring his hand to knock along the door. There were very few people he let strike fear into him, and Ms. Potts was very high on the list. Still, and he squeezes the new drip bag in his hand, she looked exhausted.

“Ms. Potts?” He asks and gently opens the door as to not disturb either of them. He holds up the bag and tries to offer a warm smile. It goes ignored. She doesn’t even so much as flinch when he arrives, instead focused on Tony, his hand in her own.

“This was my biggest fear.” Pepper whispers after what felt like an eternity of silence between them. She brings a hand up to wipe away her tears. “He was supposed to retire, pack all of this up and live his life. A _normal_ life away from all of this superhero stuff.” Another tear falls and she lets it. “I was the one to leave. I couldn’t handle it anymore, couldn’t sit by and watch him continue until he kills himself. I couldn’t, but I should’ve. I should’ve stayed and realized he was going to continue whether I was there or not.”

“You influenced him, Ms. Potts.” Steve tries. “He’s talked about settling down.”

She sighs out a tired breath, head tilting to the side as she watches over Tony. “And then you came in, ready to serve and protect and watch Tony’s back. God, he just looked so happy to have someone in his life that, for once, shared his same goals. His smiles felt so warm and real and I knew he was truly happy. He told me about how he was looking to settle down with you. Could not stop talking about how excited he was to finally get married. He was so ready to ‘break the cycle’ and not turn out like his father.”

Steve remains quiet, eyes focused on changing out the hanging drip for the new one in his hands. He glances down at her for a moment, eyes catching on the way she turns Tony’s wedding band between her fingers.

“And then you left.” She hears Steve stiffen, hands stopping before continuing again at a much slower pace. “He didn’t smile as much anymore, refused to sleep or take care of himself. He continued to push through because that’s what he does, but I could tell it was killing him inside in a different way than before. When he called me on that ship, I was so sure that’d be the last time I ever heard from him again.”  Her hands tremble around his, her tears dripping onto the bed and melting into the fabrics. “You mean so much to him. He won’t leave you. Probably not even after this, and if after all of this you- you don’t change, you don’t realize, you leave this room, you leave him, and you don’t come back."

Pepper lifts her head to look at him, watching him step around Tony’s bed and head his way back to the door. She feels her own jaw clench until he reaches down to grab and pick up a chair, placing it at Tony’s bedside. She finally relaxes and settles into her own with a faint smile.

"You should get some rest, Steve.” Natasha’s lofty voice comes in like the morning breeze and he looks up from where he’s been seated in his chair. She smiles that pointed smile and pads into the room; socked feet nimble and near silent along the tiled flooring.  “I’ve known you long enough to know even super soldiers need that sorta thing.” He opens his mouth to speak but forgets his words when he notices Pepper is no longer in the room. Natasha raises a hand to stop him and nods toward the blinking monitors at Tony’s bedside. “He’s stable. Has been for almost three or so hours since you’ve started drifting off. Pepper’s already called it a night.”

Steve blinks at her before snapping his head toward the monitor, rubbing the bit of sleep from his eyes. “Nat-“

“Rest, Rogers. He’s gonna pull through. He’s made it this far with a lot worse on his plate.” She says and squeezes his shoulder.

“Actually,” Comes Tony’s raspy, jagged voice. “I think floating for twenty-two days in space,” an exhale, words slurred. “With zero chance of rescue certainly takes the cake.”

Steve turns to face him, nearly jumping to reach for his hand.

Tony pulls his away before he gets the chance and continues. “That’s not even counting the ‘without food, or oxygen’ part. Nope, nothing beats that. Appreciate the concern, Nat. Too little too late but that's usually the shtick here, right?"”

Steve swallows dryly. “Tony.”

“Could you give us a minute?” It’s barely a question, but Nat flicks her gaze between both Steve and Tony before turning on her heel to leave. “And-“

The door shuts behind her and the sound echoes in the room.

“Tony, I-“

“You what, Steve?” He asks, head lolling to the side to meet his stare. "What is all this? Concern? Captain jumps his ship and comes back two years later with daisies?"

“I know you’re angry. You have every right to be.” Steve starts, voice calm and dipping into that assured, captain-esque tone he used just before they readied their selves into battle. “Two years ago, I made a choice and I know now--.”

"You know _now_ — I _knew_ , I knew two, three, four years ago, and I _knew_ that your— your bullshit pep talk wasn't going to stop this." His hands move back to press into the mattress, adjusting to sit up. The IVs catch and tug against his arm, making him curse under his breath in a low grumble. “You said we would lose. Look around you, Rogers. We lost.” And his own frail fingers move to wrap around them, and he tugs. “Remember how you said we’d lose?”

“Tony, stop.” Steve says and reaches for Tony’s arms, only to have them pulled away once again.

“Do you?”

“Together.” Steve says and catches his wrist, grip securing to get him to stop.

"Together." Tony repeats in ire, the needle is already out, and his eyes are glued to the beads of blood rising to the surface and beginning to trickle down his forearm. “So where were you? Liar.”

“I’m here now,” Steve says, taking Tony’s wrist into his palm, his other hand covers the wound with a pad of gauze. “And I want to do what’s right. You’ve gotta let me do what’s right. For you,” His hand tightens around him and he leans his head down to find and catch his gaze. “And for everyone else I’ve let down.”

“Hell of a lot of people, Rogers.” His words begin to slur again.

Steve takes Tony’s free hand and rests it over the gauze for pressure before he lifts from his seat. His hand slides along his cheek and guides his head down close to him. “Let me just start with one, very important person.” He says and kisses the top of his head. “I have you back, Tony. I’m not going to mess this up a second time.”

Tony grunts under him but is too tired to protest, instead shifting his eyes up high enough to catch a glimpse of the chain dangling around Steve’s neck and under his sweater. He reaches a hand up to press against his solid chest, feeling the tags and the ring nestled between them.

“You know it’s meant for your finger.” He smiles, and if Steve speaks after, he didn’t catch it, drifting back to sleep for the rest of the night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the final work in a series of fics and ideas between windsweptbonsai and I. In an effort to preserve everything we've created together, we decided to come to ao3 to post and share our story for others to enjoy as well.


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